Content Warning: suicide ideation, discussion of homophobia, and references to sexual abuse
summer of 2014
i sink to my knees by the abandoned hotel
another memory i wish i wasn’t myself in;
i want to be the summer air instead, i want to be the wind
i want to be a ripple in an ocean. i want
you off my hair, my tongue, i want
to be six, asleep and untouched
i want to be a different kid, i want a world
where there are kids no one has hurt yet.
i want god to exist, i want him
to drown us both again. i want punishment
i want a different punishment. i want him to not have made me
i want to be an abstraction, i want to be a metaphor
i want to be a thousand little metaphors, all shouting at each other
till the world explodes. i want to be a slur
on a crumbling hallway, i want to be graffiti
i want drunk teenagers to paint me, and i want them
to walk home safe. i want to walk with them,
i want a world where teenagers don’t kneel for men like you
or gods. i want god
to have chosen a different career
i want him to have gone into street art instead,
i want him writing slurs with no one there to hurt with
i want him to write words no one gave a meaning to
i want to tell him, we invented meaning
we invented meaning and hurting each other like this
i want to be a god,
vengeful and omnipotent
i want to be a god
invented and disputable.
had it all backwards
(note: poem to be read both ways)
suicides will never suit us
i would rather grow old
but
i can
never sleep
the people who hate us
will never go silent
i
feel the burn
like the pride flags you will
set on fire
as i
realize
i really like women
sorry, mum
there is a hell
and i am going to see it
i want a better world
but
i am so tired
i will make it count
if i'm still alive tomorrow
bite the hand that fingered you or whatever it was that boygenius said
do you want CORRECTLY?
do you even want. he cuts
apples into wedges between your ribs
finding a door to hold open. like
you could ever be a door. like
he would ever have to knock.
he loves you CORRECTLY
though his hands wander he always find a way
to make you wish that you were unborn.
he wants everything CORRECTLY
unlike you, he doesn’t flinch.
he feels your skin CORRECTLY
you feel everything wrong.
you promise to do this thing CORRECTLY
mutter every word you heard people use
rough your voice up, drag your lids down,
taste wine on your tongue
pretend there’s no him under it.
wash him out your hair CORRECTLY
if you want a woman,
want her while he's watching
be a lesbian CORRECTLY
with lipstick on your teeth and a wink as you say it
as you cost first man a bone and make him lie to god
and choke him with the truth of why both of you are naked
M. Špoljar (he/him) lives in Croatia with his wife and their cat. His work has appeared in various places on the internet.
Commentaires